I have a little 5 year old daughter in Kindergarten who struggles with masturbation. Help!!!! She has struggled with this for almost 2 years and it seems to get worse and worse. I have been to the doctor, prayed, tried a sticker chart. She is doing it in her Primary class and at school. We have talked with her about it, but she doesn’t stop. The problem seems to be getting worse. I love her so much, I don’t know what to do to help her. I am afraid I am handling things wrong.
Can you help me know where I can go to get help, or if I should?

It is actually quite common for children to touch themselves or rub up against things in order to stimulate a sensation that feels good and comforting to them. I wrote a post a while back regarding childhood masturbationthat I’d like to refer you to. The main points include:

• the fact that masturbation for children is not erotic and holds different developmental meaning than it does for us as adults,
• remembering the innocent status of a child of this age,
• how even the church’s position on sex education normalizes childhood sexual exploration in A Parent’s Guide, and
• the importance of us as parent’s to not react in ways that teach shame or embarrassment regarding the body.

There are some developmental disorders where masturbation is more prevalent – or at least more prevalent in public places (i.e. autism, mental retardation, Down’s Syndrome, etc.). Excessive masturbation or, more likely, sexual role playing can be an indicator that there is a possible history of some type of sexual abuse that has occurred or is currently occurring. However, this is not always the case. I am wondering what if any advice your pediatrician gave you? Your pediatrician should be able to let you know whether or not your daughter’s behavior is falling under the “norms” for her age and should also be able to test for any developmental issues if they exist. He/she should also be able to discuss with you the red flags to look for regarding possible signs of sexual abuse. If you are going to seek help from anyone, I would encourage that someone to be your pediatrician. If there are issues that fall out of the norm, they would be able to refer you on to a specialist.

Regardless of what the underlying cause may be, the main points of reference you can adhere to as a parent is that of

1. staying calm,
2. ignoring it when possible (i.e. if she’s touching herself in the bath, on the couch as she’s watching TV or as she falls asleep – allow her privacy and don’t bring attention to it),
3. staying away from shame-based statements (i.e. stop touching yourself!, that’s dirty, that’s yucky),
4. staying away from anger which elicits shame,
5. and redirecting when it occurs in an inappropriate setting (i.e. church, school, store, etc.).

Statements that can help you do the redirecting can include:

• If you want to touch your body, you can go do that in your room where you can have privacy.
• I know it feels good to touch your vulva, but that is something you should do in private.
• I know it feels good to touch your vulva, but it is not something we need to do here at school. Why don’t you come over here and color this fun page with me?
• Your vulva is a special part of your body and it can feel good when you touch it. But your vulva is private and it is not appropriate to touch that area in front of other people. Why don’t you wait until we are home and you can go to your room where you have more privacy?

As long as these statements are made in an even, calm tone (i.e. like you would talk about describing whether or not it is sunny outside) they should not cause any emotional problems. One of the frustrating parts of parenting children of this age is that repetition is necessary for learning. We may have to state the same guideline numerous times, and daily, before it begins to register.
Most children develop to the point where they begin to understand the concepts of privacy and become more naturally modest. For many, this process doesn’t take place until 6, 7, 8 or even 9 years of age. When we as parents have a hard time controlling our own anxieties we can inadvertently give more attention to a certain issue and find that as a result we see the problem progressing instead of regressing. I’m not implying that this issue is your fault – I just wonder if you would see any changes in the behavior once you take steps towards ignoring it (i.e. doing away with the sticker chart). I wish you the best of luck as you go forward. Your deep love for this precious child of yours is easily apparent in your concern. Feel free to write back with any further experiences.

I’m a pretty naive Mormon girl, raised in a super conservative environment. I have a boyfriend and I’m just discovering kissing, but since I know next to nothing about sex and physicality, I don’t really know if I’ve done anything wrong. For instance, I just found out what dry humping is and I’m worried I’ve done it, but I still don’t know what it is and what it means. Can you help me?

Navigating sexuality prior to marriage and in your youth can be a challenging and often confusing process – especially within the realm of a religious community offering you traditional expectations juxtaposed within a larger culture with much looser ideas of what your sexual exploration should be about. I’m glad you are comfortable enough to reach out in this type of venue to ask questions and get information that I hope will be useful.

First of all, I posted your question on Mormon Matters to see what other members had to say:
Sexual naivete- pros and cons?
Check it out. You will notice that there are many different ideas of how premarital sexuality should or could be handled. In fact, this is one of my concerns for you: that you will trust others opinions and “shoulds” rather than trusting your own inner instinct. In fact, be prepared to get comments on this post that you may need to be wary of. Just because I allow comments to be posted does not mean I always agree with them. Due to anxiety regarding sexual sin, people can sometimes come across as over-judgmental or overly shaming, even if their intentions are meant to be for your benefit.

Here are some things I’d like for you to consider:

• What are the reasons that resonate for you regarding the law of chastity and how it is presented within your religious construct? For example, staying chaste before marriage may protect you in the realms of sexually transmitted disease (STD), unwanted pregnancy, and emotional immaturity for sharing yourself at this level.
• What are the reasons that do not resonate for you regarding things related to the law of chastity? For example, issues related to shame, rigidity, seeing sex as bad or dirty, etc.
• Understand that the fact that you are a sexual being and experience sexual arousal is normal and healthy. This is how you were created by your Heavenly Father and it has purpose. Three purposes in particular: procreation, bonding with the one you choose to share your life with and the ability to experience pure pleasure.
• How you want to manage sexual arousal in your years before marriage is something you want to look at from the lens of self-protection and long-term goals. Make the law of chastity work for you: not the other way around. It is there FOR you – not AGAINST you.
• Having appropriate education regarding sexuality, anatomy, and female issues at large will be an important part of your “growing up.” Make sure you search for and get accurate information.

Here are some of my interpretations about appropriate sexual exploration before marriage in relation to the guidance and expectations the church gives: please take note that these are mine – not yours. Take them or leave them. Develop your own!

• Kissing is great!
• Stroking or touching of any areas that do not include the female breasts and/or genital areas is great!
• Oral sex (where you kiss each others genitalia – vulva or penis) is not considered appropriate outside of marriage. Many unmarrieds justify this behavior because oral sex does not take away your virginity. However oral sex is as, or even more, of an intimate act than traditional intercourse and I consider it sexual activity. You also need to know that there are some STD’s that you can get from oral sex.
• “Dry humping” is where you rub up against someone or something else, stimulating your clitoris to the point that you can achieve orgasm (if you don’t know what or where your clitoris is, write me back). In a sense, it is a form of masturbation, but without the manual stimulation. Men can do this as well. If anything, this is the safest type of “sex” you can have, since usually people are completely clothed and no fluids are shared (therefore, no STDs and no pregnancy). But again, it is not something the church standards are going to approve of.
• Although masturbation is discouraged by the church, it is a normal developmental act that most children and teens have participated in at some point. This is not something worth spending a lot of guilt or shame on (unless it has become compulsive in some way – meaning several times a day, it’s connected to pornography use, etc.). If you want to curb masturbatory practices because of your religious beliefs – then that is a personal decision/goal and can be done in a healthy approach.  You should have good reasons as to why you want to do this other than just “the church says I shouldn’t”. What is not healthy is inappropriate guilt or shame.

I hope this information is useful to you and can at least get you headed in the right direction. I hope you can embrace your sexuality as an integral part of your identity as a woman. I hope you can enjoy your dating years by feeling comfortable with yourself, by being able to create boundaries you want and believe in, and by getting to know a variety of young men with their varying sets of qualities. With that in mind, I also hope that you can take the teachings of the church regarding sexuality and use them to bring meaning and purpose to this amazing power that lies within you. And please, please, please remember that the underlying teaching that takes precedence (or at least should) over all others is that of the atonement. Therefore, if you feel like you’ve made a mistake or have ventured farther than comfortable – you have this incredible gift at your disposal. This gift is not meant to make you feel bad about yourself – it is meant to liberate you and allow you to move forward in the ongoing progression called life. Good luck and have fun!

I was recently invited to attend an undergraduate human sexuality class as part of a religious panel where students would be able to ask representatives certain questions regarding sexuality.  I thought the questions the students came up with were well thought out and interesting.  They knew there would be representatives present from the following faiths: Judaism, Mormonism, Episcopalian, Non-denominational Christian and Catholic.

What are your thoughts about these questions?  Are you aware of our church’s stance on the questions asked?  Do you find your personal stances similar to or different from the stances the church takes?  The students who came up with these questions were largely in their late teens/early twenties.  Are these topics you include in your sexual education/conversation with your teen/adult children?

Human Sexuality Religious Panel Questions

Appropriateness of sexual behaviors before marriage:

1. Is masturbation seen as wrong or sinful in your faith tradition? What about the use of pornography along with masturbation? What about pornography or strip clubs as a form of entertainment?
2. Does your religion believe that pre-marital sex is wrong or sinful? If so, what constitutes sex? Is kissing before marriage okay? Heavy petting? Manual stimulation of the genitals? Oral sex? Anal sex? Where do you draw the line, and why is the line drawn there?
3. Why is pre-marital sex considered wrong?
4. Does the age of the people involved affect the appropriateness of pre-marital sex?
5. Is it okay to have sexual thoughts or fantasies at a young age in your religion? (unclear what is meant by young age)
6. (Applicable to those religions who perform baptisms) What sexual purity requirements are necessary to become baptized? Do people have to take abstinence oaths? What about those who have already had sex?
7. How do you feel about sex education for young people?
8. What about watching rated R movies or movies involving sexual content—is it okay to watch them? If so, at what age?

Appropriateness of sexual behaviors within marriage:

1. Are open marriages or polygamous marriages recognized in your church? Why or why not?
2. Is having a threesome or foursome okay if both partners consent to it?
3. What if a person’s spouse has an accident or a medical condition rendering them incapable of having sex? If both spouse agree, would it be okay for the capable spouse to have a sexual relationship with someone else?
4. Would your religious institution consider cybersex infidelity?
5. How does your religion view pornography if used as a sex aid between two happily married people?
6. Within your faith tradition, is forced sex within the confines of marriage okay? Does a wife give her body to her husband upon marriage and have sex with him whenever he wants regardless of her own desires?

Anatomical wonderings:

1. How would your religion explain individuals who have chromosomal or hormonal abnormalities making them neither clearly male nor female? If a person is male with an XY chromosomal make up but his genitalia look feminine in appearance, would it be okay for him to engage in sex with a female? A male?
2. What is the significance of circumcision (or not circumcising) in your religious tradition?
3. Does your religion endorse sex change operations for transgendered individuals? How does your religion view transgendered people in the first place?

Sexual orientation:

1. How does your religion view homosexuality? Would gay, lesbian, and bisexual people be restricted in their religious participation? Could they be leaders in your church?
2. Does your church differentiate between a homosexual orientation and homosexual behavior? If a person has a homosexual orientation but remains celibate for his or her entire life, are they “off the hook?”
3. Does your religion support gay/lesbian marriages? Civil unions?
4. Do you think that laws regulating private sexual behavior (i.e. sodomy) are appropriate?

Gender issues:

1. What does your religion see as the primary roles of men and women within the family?
2. Does your religion allow women to lead entire congregations, or are they limited in what leadership roles they can assume?
3. Does your religion endorse having separate standards for sexual purity for men and women? Is it more okay for a man to have sexual experiences outside of marriage than women?
4. How does your religion view the use of contraception within marriage? Outside of marriage?
5. What stance does your faith tradition take on the issue of abortion? What about the morning after pill?
6. Why do most Mormon families send their boys off on missions?
7. Are men who dress as women looked down on in your religion?

This and that:

1. Does a woman have to be a virgin to become a nun? What if a man wants to become a priest but has had sex already? Why can’t Catholic [priests] marry?
2. Does your religion have a minimum age for marriage? Why is it common in some faith traditions for people to get married at a much younger age than “average Americans?”
3. Is it common for Mormon families to have a lot of kids? Why?
4. When a woman is giving birth, is it okay for her to use pain medication?
5. Is marrying someone within your own faith tradition a must?
6. How does your religion view the hyper-sexuality of current American culture?
7. At what point does your religion consider a fetish morally wrong?
8. What is the purpose of sex from your faith tradition? Is its role solely to reproduce? Is it okay to have sex for reasons other than reproduction?
9. How does your religion view artificial reproductive techniques, such as artificial insemination or in vitro fertilization?
10. How does your religion view marriage after divorce?
11. Have you seen an increase in the number of people having problems related to pornography or so called sex addiction?

This information is taken from AASECT Contemporary Sexuality updates.

Really important if you are experiencing Erectile Dysfunction to make sure you are getting your cardio health checked because a link has been established between the two.

Erectile Dysfunction Severity as a Risk Marker for Cardiovascular Disease, Hospitalisation and All-Cause Mortality: A Prospective Cohort Study

On this most recent podcast of Mormon Mental Health Natasha Helfer Parker gets a non-Mormon perspective and interviews sex educator, Jennifer “Dr. Jenn” Gunsaullus, Ph.D. on the process of mindfulness and how we can use it to edify our sexual relationships with self and spouse.

Dr. Jenn is a sociologist who works as a sexuality and mindfulness speaker, and a relationship and intimacy counselor. She specializes in helping women, couples, and groups deepen intimacy, strengthen communication, and improve trust and self-expression. Dr. Jenn got her start in the sex and relationship field 19 years ago as a sexual health peer educator at Lehigh University in her home state of Pennsylvania. She now merges her practical training in sexual health and academic training in sociology with her passion for holistic health and mind/body/spirit perspectives.

Mindfulness and Sexuality

Dr. Jenn’s Den

I was recently involved on a panel discussion over at Mormon Matters regarding “virtue.”  Here is the description from Dan Wotherspoon:

So often in Mormon discourse, the term “virtue” is treated almost exclusively as relating to sexual purity, chastity, and virginity, completely missing its much broader and wonderfully expansive meanings. Similarly, most talk about “morality,” “passion,” “modesty,” and “sensuality” are spoken about almost solely in terms of sexuality. We receive, without careful parsing, statements about how molestation and rape victims have been deprived of “that which was most dear and precious above all things, which is chastity and virtue” (Moroni 9:9). Messaging and publications for youth still put forth the idea that sexual sins are “next to murder” in seriousness, never mind that this idea is based upon highly questionable scriptural exegesis and a failure to recognize horrendous evils that can’t even come close to approaching soul dangers associated with sexual experimentation and slip up. And rarely do we encounter public teaching that considers all those within the listening audience for whom extreme rhetoric about sexual sin will be harmful and discouraging, and who because of such messaging will more likely be driven away from a sense of their being deserving of God’s love and LDS community fellowship.

Why is it so difficult for us to talk forthrightly and in healthy ways about sexuality, especially in teaching our youth? Why do we imagine willful ignorance about our bodies and sexual response and pleasures as admirable? How can we bring into LDS families and communal teaching the best thinking and practices about teaching healthy sexuality to our youth and young adults, and also aid those who are married and sexually active yet may still hold negative views about themselves as sexual beings? (And none of this research and best thinking requires the encouragement of sex outside of marriage.) Mormonism has great theological teachings about the body and about sex. Why are we failing to communicate the big picture when it comes to the messaging we give? How might we do better?

In this episode, Natasha Helfer Parker, Margaret Blair Young, Micah Nickolaisen, and Lisa Butterworth join Mormon Matters host Dan Wotherspoon in a frank and forthright discussion of these and other aspects of how to talk in healthier ways about sexuality.

Lesson I will be giving in Relief Society on September 22, 2013.

Based on the talk given by Elder David A. Bednar: We Believe in Being Chaste from the April 2013 General Conference

My Favorite Quotes from the Lesson:

All human beings—male and female—are created in the image of God. Each is a beloved spirit son or daughter of heavenly parents, and … has a divine nature and destiny.  The Family: A Proclamation to the World.

Our physical bodies make possible a breadth, a depth, and an intensity of experience that simply could not be obtained in our premortal existence.  Thus, our relationships with other people… are amplified through our physical bodies.

The unique combination of spiritual, physical, mental, and emotional capacities of both males and females was needed to enact the plan of happiness.

The power to create mortal life is the most exalted power God has given his children. Elder Dallin H. Oaks

Intimate relations are one of the ultimate expressions of our divine nature and potential and a way of strengthening emotional and spiritual bonds between husband and wife.

As sons and daughters of God, we have inherited divine capacities from Him.

A physical body is central to the Father’s plan of happiness and our spiritual development.

Questions to Ask Ourselves:

Do I think of my sexuality as a divine capacity from God?

How do cultural myths and stereotypes re sexual roles between men and women limit my sexual beliefs & thought?

What, if anything, gets in the way of sexual acceptance, expression and pleasure in my life?  How could I go about resolving some of these issues?

What is my relationship with my physical body like?  How often do I take the time to think about my being created in the image of my Heavenly Mother?

What is the difference btw “bridling passions” and stopping them all together?

Am I using anything in this lesson against myself inappropriately?  Am I walking away from this lesson feeling better about myself, healthily challenged and rejuvenated for the week to come?

Direction I will take the Lesson:

Church chastity lessons focus mainly on the following principle: “Marriage between a man and a woman is the authorized channel through which premortal spirits enter mortality. Complete sexual abstinence before marriage and total fidelity within marriage protect the sanctity of this sacred channel.”  Since I believe we are all familiar with the basic tenets of the law of chastity, I’d like to delve a little further as far as what the concepts of chastity, intimacy and having a physical body imply for our lives as sisters in the church.

I will communicate the following disclosures/boundaries for the remainder of the lesson:

• Sexuality is a difficult topic to discuss in a group setting with a limit of about 30 minutes because there are so many personal stories, experiences, beliefs and practices which make us each individually sexual.
• When I speak to women: many think they are too sexual, or not sexual enough, or lacking in some other capacity when it comes to their sexuality – whatever is shared today is not meant to make anyone feel they are different, weird or wrong in how they are or where you may find yourself sexually.  Many complicated factors go into our own personal sexual identity.
• I am aware that sexual trauma, betrayal, or regret may complicate your feelings about what is shared today.  Please give yourself space to disagree with me or others who may comment as well as the space to say “this lesson was just not applicable to my situation.”
• I understand this is a difficult topic for our single sisters – because the only context where sexuality is broached in our religious setting is within marriage.  And yet, your single vs marital status makes you no more or less a sexual being.  So I acknowledge that our conversation is lacking in your cases.
• For the remainder of the lesson I will ask that the following not be mentioned: Satan, lust, pornography, “the natural man,” the immodest stance of the world we find ourselves in today or any other negative aspect which could be attributed to sexuality.  It’s not that these are not worthwhile things to discuss at one point or another – but I find them to be discussed in an out-of-balance way when sexuality is brought up at church.  I would much prefer to focus the next few minutes on what we are commanded TO do; not what we are commanded NOT to do.

The following themes will be the main focus of the lesson (albeit we will probably not get through them all):

• What are the pro-sex doctrinal teachings which we as Latter-day Saint women have available to us through the gospel of Jesus Christ?
• How does the belief that our bodies are a gift and meant to enrich our relationships inform our sense of personal sexuality?
• How does the scripture “women are that they might have joy” fit into the realm of sexual pleasure?
• How does the belief that we are created in the image of heavenly parents – for us women, a heavenly mother – help us connect with our body, body image and sexual organs?  Our husband’s sexual organs?
• What are some cultural myths which might be getting in the way of our sexual identity, pleasure and ability to claim our sexuality?  For example: men want sex more than women; all men care about is sex; sex is a wifely duty; etc.
• Sometimes the words chastity (purity) and passion seem contradictory.  In fact in many definitions of the word chastity  - celibacy is mentioned.  But can we really be chaste (in the LDS view) without passion?  What righteous role does passion play in the sexual cohesion of husband and wife?
• Are we aware that in the bishop’s handbook; decisions regarding sexual practice are left up to the husband and wife in question – making clear of course, that there should be no coercion or abuse taking place?  Therefore, what works for one couple and what they want to incorporate into their sexual repertoire may look very different for another equally worthy couple.
• How does living the law of chastity correlate to issues of “health?”  Not only physical, but emotional and spiritual health as well?  Do you use it for your benefit – or as a self-punishing tool?  How does the law of chastity inform your thoughts and relationship with loving heavenly parents?
• We are told through various LDS leaders that the purpose of sexuality is much more than procreation.  How?  And what does this mean for you in your sexual journey?
• As we become wives and mothers – is there a psychological shift which inhibits our ability to claim our status as lovers?
• When Bednar indirectly calls sex a “divine capacity,” how does that resonate with you?

An article I wrote which applies to this lesson: Sexuality and the Mormon Marriage 

Is it wrong to partake in sexual acts like oral sex, fingering and handjobs before marriage? If so, what can go wrong? I’m a firm believer that sexual intercourse should be reserved for marriage due to scientific evidence, but whether the same applies to other sexual acts is a point of conflict for me.

I believe the church makes it clear on its position being that the sexual acts you mention are not deemed appropriate outside of marriage.

However, I would like to look a little deeper into ways we can apply  the “law of chastity” to our lives and use it for our benefit.

One very common way that “sex” is defined is through the lens of vaginal/penile intercourse.  This is, of course, the one sexual way in which children are conceived – and therefore, the sexual act that is attached to one of the most grave and sacred consequences of sexuality.  One of the greatest charges we each carry is that of responsible procreation.  I believe this is why most religions have something to say about sexual expectations and behaviors.  In fact in our faith – this capacity is tied closely and beautifully to divinity: being able to participate in the creation process with Heavenly Parents who invite us to become like Them.

However my definition of sex and sexual expression is much more nuanced than merely intercourse.  And the consequences (both positive and negative) much more varied than pregnancy.  I believe any form of romantic expression towards someone we are attracted to is part of our sexuality.  This includes behavior from holding hands, massage, writing love notes and kissing to the fondling of breasts and genitalia, oral sex, and intercourse.

Looking at it from a purely physical perspective, the risks of sexuality are unintended pregnancy (via intercourse, including when the man has “pulled out” and on rare occasions by semen ejaculated near the vaginal opening) and sexually transmitted diseases (via intercourse, oral and anal sex, rimming and on rare occasions fingering).  But sexuality encompasses much more than purely the physical aspects of our being.  Sexuality is emotional, it is spiritual, it is intellectual, it is tied to attachment, pleasure, pain, and joy.  It encompasses fantasy and reality.  Healthy sexuality requires vulnerability, honesty, reciprocity and a certain sense of personal maturity.  So when teenagers, for example, who commonly relate stories of oral sex, anal sex and fingering in my office accompanied by a certain pride of still being “virgins” – I believe we are missing the mark on true sexual education.  After all, how do we define “virginity?”  Is it only in the absence of the penile/vaginal intercourse mentioned above?  Is that even a useful term?  And why does it hold so much more value than the rest of our body in its sexual expression?  Don’t get me wrong – I am glad in these situations that pregnancy is not being risked.  However, I believe there is a disservice being done to ourselves when we measure our sexual expression only in one definitive way.

It is not my job to tell people what they should or should not be doing sexually.  Ultimately, these decisions and the responsibility of making these decisions lie on each individual.  It IS my job to help people explore their sexual capacity, their sexual values, their sexual experiences, their relationship to God as they go through these, and allow for the progression of sexual healing and sexual health.  So, in answer to your question – I believe that oral sex and allowing someone to touch you in a sexual way are just as emotionally vulnerable sexual positions to put yourself in as intercourse.  You are sharing of yourself sexually and you are bonding with another human being at a very personal and intimate level. How you go about sharing of yourself sexually, especially before the commitment and loyalty of marriage, is a decision each person needs to make for themselves – hopefully in conjunction with your partner, scientific research/information, and God.  You should also take into account where you are in your sexual development (i.e. a 14 year old will probably be making different sexual decisions than a 55 year old, etc.).  And that is the beauty of each of us having our own unique sexual journey.

The law of chastity is only useful when we see sex as a gift and a divine capacity.  Otherwise, it can be interpreted in unnecessarily shaming and unhealthy ways.  Unfortunately, the words themselves (law of chastity) and some of the ways it has been taught can come with some unfortunate baggage that can mar our feelings about it – distancing us from God in our discomfort rather than helping us turn towards him when most needed.  The law of chastity is meant for our benefit – for our protection – for our learning on how to create healthy boundaries.  Guidelines and direction meant to steer us towards principles which lead to joy, pleasure, health and growth.  Most of us will stumble at times through our sexual journeys – having regrets, questions, doubts, wondering if we are normal, etc.  This is expected.  And why we have an infinite atonement available 24/7.

Sexual Risk Factors

Sex: Making the Right Decision

4 Things You Didn’t Know about Oral Sex

Sexual Hookups and Psychological Health  There is obviously a difference between a premarital “hookup” and a premarital committed relationship where sexual acts may be taking place.

The Emotional Risks

Teen Sex May Take Emotional Toll 

Why Monogamy Matters

I recently had the opportunity to interview Wendy and Tom Montgomery and their two children, Jordan (15) and Susannah (14).  They are devout Mormons from California who have five children in total.  They were part of the movement of many LDS members who pounded on doors in 2008 to support the passage of Proposition 8, the state referendum that overturned the ruling that allowed same-sex couples to marry in California.  They did so not knowing that their oldest son Jordan was gay and that he was struggling with suicidal ideation due to the position his church had taken that homosexual behavior was sinful.  He was also worried his family would cut him off if he told them what he was struggling with.  He was 13 when he came out to his parents.

This podcast touches on how they have become an advocate for him within the church and their community.  They discuss the struggles of loving their faith and wanting to continue with their Mormon heritage while simultaneously going through many hurtful experiences as they try to educate themselves and others and stand in unity as a family structure.  It is a wonderfully vulnerable and open window into the types of issues so many LDS families are struggling with as they grapple with the implications of our Mormon beliefs and their LGBT loved ones.

Advocating for Your Gay Mormon Family Member on Mormon Mental Health

They have been recently interviewed by a wide variety of media outlets.

Oblivion (A Mormon Teen Speaks Out for Others, Part 1 of 2) by Susannah Montgomery on No More Strangers: LGBT Mormon Forum

Oblivion (A Mormon Teen Speaks Out for Others, Part 2 of 2)

mormonsandgays.org

Family Acceptance Project: Families are Forever

NPR interview: Keeping the Faith, and Loving Your Gay Son

ABC interview: Mormon Mom Who Fought for Prop 8, Now Fights for Gay Son

Huffington Post did an article called Gay Mormons: Wendy and Tom Montgomery Lead Push to Change LDS Church Stance on Homosexuality.

Affirmation: Gay & Lesbian Mormons

Daniel Parkinson is the main moderator at Gay Mormon Stories

Many thanks to The Lower Lights for the beautiful bumper music and to James Estrada of Oak Street Audio for audio production of this podcast.

I was asked by Patheos to do the following book review:

In Sex and the Single Christian Girl: Fighting for Purity in a Rom-com World, Marian Jordan Ellis takes a Christian stand for sexual purity in her delivery to other Christian women.   She speaks of the importance of sexual morality as related to our personal relationship with Christ, our personal relationship with self, and our personal relationships with spouse and/or dating partners.

She offers clear reasons as to why the “law of chastity” (as we Mormons refer to it) is meant to be beneficial instead of punitive, and why a loving God would have thought to guide us in that direction.  It is meant for our protection.  It is meant to be a virtue in our lives; offering us loving, committed, bonded attachment leading to joy and contentment.  It is meant to help us perceive our own bodies as sacred gifts and temples.  It is meant to help us know how to expect to be treated, how to treat others, and how to treat ourselves while standing up for our own convictions.  Ellis even provides data on how it can be “wired” in us through hormonal regulation.

Ellis explains how romance and sex can often be portrayed in unrealistic ways through different forms of media that can leave people uninformed, misled, and uneducated as to the risks, wonders, and development of skills needed for healthy relationship making.  She gives positive hope when speaking of the possibilities of personal transformation; not being held captive by past regrets or mistakes.  She cites many great biblical and secular quotes while also offering guidelines, lists and how-to’s some will find helpful. She is personal in her approach, sharing much of her own experience and I appreciate her willing vulnerability and openness in reaching out to others she wants to help.

At the same time, I was not comfortable with many of the messages shared which are common themes within the sexual education most conservative Christians grow up with.  So in this I don’t fault Ellis – I just see much of her approach as part of a bigger cultural problem within Christianity that can have unintended and harmful consequences to the development of a sexually mature adult. The following critiques are similar to those I provide within my own church culture/setting as we speak to sexual topics:

• This approach is patriarchal – stereotyping men and women into gender roles that are not always useful in helping both sexes enter into truly equal and egalitarian partnerships.   When we typecast men as “protectors” and women as sexual gatekeepers, we inadvertently ignore that men also need protection and that women are capable lead characters in their own lives.  It can also exacerbate unrealistic relational expectations – similar to those Ellis criticizes the media of providing – just on another side of the spectrum.
•  This approach unintentionally exacerbates the fear/shame cycle that often can be traced back to sexual behavior issues to begin with.  It uses provocative language that can’t help but elicit our instinctual fear response (just a few examples from Ellis’ book: waging war, Satan and his minions, bondage, enemy’s lies, darkness, wickedness, tsunami of evil, enticement of our flesh, covert tactics, evil enemy, prisoner of war in a cell of shame and regret).  When we offer sexual education against this backdrop of scare tactics, it can’t help but correlate sexuality with fear, angst, and a mistrust of our sexual response system.  And it gives Satan more power than he deserves.  Although I believe in adversarial forces, I don’t find it useful to be continually reminded of or focus on their presence.  Even Ellis acknowledges that “all this talk of warfare” and Satan might be depressing.  Unfortunately, he is a lead character in this book.  I’d rather spend my energy focusing on Christ and his forgiving and positive messages (lots of great research has come out in the last 15 years on the power of positive thinking).
• This approach puts too much emphasis on the correlation between loving Christ and our behavior. Yes, incorrect behavior usually leads to negative consequences in our lives – why we are given guidelines by a loving Being to begin with.  However, we can be in the midst of behavioral failure and in the midst of a “love affair with Christ” simultaneously.  In fact, it is often in our most “hit-bottom” moments where we can feel His redeeming presence comforting us and reminding us of our divine ability to persevere.  Putting too much emphasis on behavioral correctness ignores that sin is an unfortunate yet important part of our mortal journey, part of our learning curve, part of humility development and part of empathy building.   It also ignores the life-changing acceptance of grace – needed to fill in the gaps and envelope us completely as we inevitably fail on a daily basis.
• This approach fails to acknowledge the normalcy of our “fleshy” ways.  It attributes too much of our natural sexual response to Satan.  There are biological feedback loops – created by God – which make our arousal responses perfectly normal.  As long as we know why our bodies and brains respond in certain ways (i.e. infatuation) then we are better equipped to make healthier choices without unnecessary villainization of responses that are SUPPOSED to be happening.  After all our vaginas don’t know whether or not we are married.  This can often lead to what Laura Brotherson calls “Good Girl Syndrome,” where women learn in their unmarried years to not trust and even shut off their sexual response system – often coming back to haunt them when it doesn’t automatically turn back on after the “I do’s” are declared.  This problem takes up a large percentage of my sex therapy practice.  “Flesh loves sin” does not promote a healthy trust for our capacity to govern ourselves nor to love or understand our bodies.  We are then poised to view ourselves as an inner enemy – in of itself a shaming stance.
• This approach leaves no room for inter-faith relationships  – villainizing anyone not sharing one’s belief system and unrealistically putting on a pedestal those who do.  The reality is that Christian marriages fail and succeed.  And so do inter-faith marriages.
• This approach embraces the classic apocalyptic rhetoric of villainizing our current day and world at large – completely ignoring the huge strides we have made within the realms of sexual freedom/choice, sexual accountability (especially when it comes to sexual crime closely related to women’s and children’s rights), and the decrease in sexual violence in general.  Although the “good old days” may have included less pornographic billboards and more modest dress – they were not so great when it came to many devastating sexual statistics.

Like Ellis, I love Christ.  Like her, I believe in the transforming power a relationship with Him has in our lives.  Like her, I believe in the Law of Chastity and its protective and loving forces.  I believe that our sexual journeys are enmeshed with our spirituality and understanding of self in beautiful and intricate ways.  For these reasons in particular, I believe we can do a much better job of offering healthy, Christian sexual education that does not fall into the stereotyping and shaming traps I mention above.  I hope we can all better embrace this divine power we claim as part of our mortal experience in a way where we can progress in health, self-acceptance, self-trust, responsibility and when needed, self-forgiveness through the atoning powers of Jesus Christ.

Jennifer Finlayson Fife is a colleague whom I esteem greatly.  I have had the opportunity to interview her for a podcast regarding Mormon Female Sexuality as well as present with her regarding the management of successful faith transitions within relational dynamics.  I highly recommend her work and am glad to help her advertise her current offer:

For a limited time, I am offering the 2013 Relationship and Sexuality Courses for LDS Couples at a 20% discount!* You can purchase these course recordings (with support materials)  as a wonderful Christmas gift for your spouse or family member. 

I’d like to take responsibility and apologize for the original post I wrote in March of 2009 regarding the act of anal sex: Are Oral and/or Anal Sex Wrong?.  I was asked if it was appropriate behavior within the bounds of marriage.  Although I normalized why many find this practice enjoyable, I made a reference to it being “harmful to your body.” I was also aware that in the bishop’s handbook it states, “unholy, unnatural, or impure practices are sinful” which I’m sure influenced my answer.  I made a common mistake: allowing my own tastes and biases (in this case sexual and religious) affect my professional opinion.

Since that time I have undergone additional training in sex therapy and have been challenged by several clients and readers of my material who respectfully disagreed with my position.  Many have shared their intimate experiences as husband and wife involving pleasurable and consensual anal sex or play.  In fact several women have reported anal stimulation as the only way they can successfully achieve orgasm.  Both the education and shared stories have helped me reevaluate my position on anal sex.  The problem with terms such as unholy, unnatural, impure and even harmful is that they are vague – with numerous possible interpretations depending on individual and relational experience.  What is considered unnatural or harmful to one couple may be completely different for another.  This is one of the many reasons why it is vital that each couple find the safety and vulnerability necessary to discuss their sexual relationship: taking into account your own and your partner’s comfort, style, tastes, pleasure, needs, history, physical limitations, etc.

As I’ve written before, ANY type of sex comes with inherent risks, possible pleasure, and possible pain.  It is each married couple’s responsibility to figure out what feels comfortable, safe and fun for them.  The church position agrees with me on this: as long as there is no coercion, abuse, third party/ies or pornography – each couple has the right, authority and stewardship to decide what will be part of their sexual repertoire.

If you are going to engage in anal sex/play please educate yourselves and participate safely:

• Use lubrication
• Go slow and communicate often
• Remember that you can get an STD via anal sex (as you can through intercourse and oral sex)
• If there is any non-pleasurable pain involved stop immediately (this is my advice with vaginal sex as well!)
• Do not insert penis or sex toy into vagina directly after anal stimulation without first washing (to avoid potential bacterial transference)

If my original response elicited or contributed to any type of unnecessary shaming – I truly apologize.

Anal Sex Safety and Health Concerns

Anal Sex: Top Five Facts

For those of you who might be in the New York area:

Dr. Jennifer Finlayson-Fife will be giving two presentations on marital sexuality.  She’s an excellent presenter and I highly recommend her workshops. Get more information on her blog.

Women’s Sexuality Workshop
Come and learn about the art of desire —(a key aspect of our strength and authenticity as women)–and how our capacity for and comfort with desire relates to our sexual selves.  This workshop will explore elements of our LDS culture that are inhibiting to our sexual self confidence as well as elements of our theology that are liberating and permission-giving.  We will also discuss how to deepen sexual self-awareness and ultimately help you create a relationship that is more passionate and a truer reflection of your authentic self.

Saturday June 14th
9:30 a.m. to 12:15 p.m.
Cost $50  ($45 if pre-purchase ticket)

Couples Sexuality Workshop
Come and learn how to strengthen your sexual connection as a couple–whether your sexual relationship is a significant challenge or simply needs a little reinvigoration.  We will discuss some of the libido-killing realities in couples dynamics, help couples discover their own pitfalls and strengths, and help you find clarity and courage to address sexual dynamics in a new, revitalizing way.  Couples will leave with greater self-understanding and exercises to do at home.

Saturday June 14th
5:30 p.m. to 9:00 p.m.
Cost $55 / individual ($50 if pre-purchase ticket)
or $95 / couple ($85 if pre-purchase ticket)

The workshops will take place in the Tribeca section of lower Manhattan : 
390 Broadway, 3rd Floor, Manhattan.   

Ticket price is 10% lower if you pre-purchase

How do you teach your kids about the bad that pornography can do but not teach them they will spiritually die if they look at it?  In other words, teach the dangers without over exaggerating them?  

This is a great question.  Especially since the trend I have seen within our culture is that the way we talk about this issue can unintentionally exacerbate the problem instead of helping find solutions.  We have become too comfortable with the exaggeration of terms such as “addiction” when many teens and pre-teens are merely going through developmental stages where sexual curiosity and confusion is normal and intensified.

Here are some suggestions:

1. Try to have your first reaction be that of normalizing.  It’s normal to be curious. And it’s normal to be aroused and/or disgusted by what you come across (even at the same time).
2. Try to educate.  Not everything you see which is arousing or “inappropriate” is necessarily pornography.  How would I/you define it?  It’s actually pretty difficult to define and not as easy as “you’ll know it when you see it” (especially if you’re dealing with anyone in an anxiety spectrum disorder). When you do come across pornography, most of it is not very realistic. Bodies don’t often look like they do in porn. And people don’t usually act during sex like you see in porn. Most porn is male-centric (what does that mean)? Some people like making porn and others are either coerced or working through difficult personal issues as they do this type of work.  Some porn is connected with the sex-trafficking industry.  Make your moral stances more than just about the curiosity of looking.
3. Make sure your child understands our current legal climate.  Explain the dangers of “child pornography” and that sometimes you can’t tell if you’re looking at child porn because many states see the involvement of any minor as a “child” (even when they are 17 and look like they might be in their early twenties).  Sexting their own body parts would be considered “child pornography” – and legal ramifications can be devastating, not only for the child who sexted but sometimes parents as well.
4. Talk about our brains – and how they usually do best by allowing for appropriate development. So if you’re looking at 25-year old material when you’re 13 – your brain is probably not going to know how to handle it.  You can flood it with too much stimuli. This doesn’t mean you are not smart or “mature”. It just means you are 13. And overstimulation can cause over-preoccupation.  And by the way – did you know that our brains don’t completely “grow-up” until we are about 26?
5. Admit and recognize that you won’t always be involved.  It’s natural to be embarrassed or private about sexual matters with parents so you might hide some of this behavior from me.  That being the case, you want to let them know of some red flags to look for – would you rather look at porn than go out with your friends? Or is it easier to look at porn than actually take a risk and go on a date and try to kiss someone? Are you feeling guilt – and if so, why? Because there is healthy guilt and unhealthy guilt. Do you have realistic expectations of yourself?  *Often messages like we get from the child’s book Not Even Once Club can wreak havoc on those kids who have tried something once.  And most of our kids have or will.  If they don’t know how to recover from this type of cultural messaging – they are more likely to fall prey to the shame cycle of unwanted behaviors.
6. Back to normalizing: at the end of the day – our penis or clitoris doesn’t know it’s Mormon. Only parts of your brain know that. So give yourself a break – figure out what is healthy and what isn’t – recognize you’re going to make mistakes – and I hope you can trust me enough to ask questions or figure out decisions if you need help.  I’m here to help you as you have questions – make mistakes – or just explore different options.  So are our Heavenly Parents.  Remember that not so little thing we call the Atonement?
7. Check in with your own anxiety.  Often the anxiety we feel as parents as our children’s sexuality becomes more apparent is paralyzing.  Even trained as a sex therapist – I can relate.  Ask yourself if you are truly a safe place for sexual education in your child’s life.  If your approach deals more with disapproval and punishment rather than radical acceptance and unconditional love – the message will get through loud and clear:  do NOT let Mom or Dad figure out what is going on with me.  It’s OK to set boundaries, have parental controls and express your values and why you have them.  It’s the tone we need to keep constant check on.  Remember that non-verbal communication gets across much faster than verbal – and if the two don’t match, they can tell.  So don’t be afraid to let them know your feelings – this is a scary topic for me, I’m worried about you, I don’t know how best to manage this, etc.  But at the end of the day – one thing that will never change is your value and worth as a daughter/son of God and the love I have for you.

Talking to your Kids about Pornography